April Fools!

It had been a long climate action day and man was I glad to be home! Thankfully, my wife Annie stayed up so we could enjoy our nightly glass of wine. Soon my eyes were half shut, I started to get ready for a good night’s sleep, and I crashed into another world.

 The next thing I knew, Annie and I were sitting up in bed as we watched, on the opposite wall’s TV, a man impersonating the newly elected president.

The standup comedian looked just like the real deal.  

There he was on the big screen reiterating to the national audience his plans regarding America’s lesser role in the global effort to address climate change.

We were anxiously tuned in. 

He said, “People everywhere, please know that I am going to withdraw our great nation from the Paris Agreement because it would undermine the U. S. economy and put it at a permanent disadvantage.”

Hysterical.

No president of the world’s second-largest polluting nation would ever make such a ridiculous statement. Never would he put every American citizen’s life further at risk from an overheating planet that had its hottest surface temperature on record last year.

He had to be joking.

Then the lookalike added, “Not only that, I’m going to yank our country’s $4 billion pledge to the UN Climate Green Fund.” No way! Of course, he was kidding. With 27 $1+ billion climate/weather disasters in 2024, consisting of a total damage cost of $187 billion, pulling out of the world’s largest green initiative would be nonsensical.

Knowing the fund is heavily relied upon by over 100 developing nations, we managed to chuckle at the sick humor.

After all, today is April Fool’s Day…

Then the president-alike celebrated, “Victory! All we’re doing is giving Los Angeles and the entire state of California virtually unlimited water.” He then explained how he would have water flowing from two dams in northern CA. to southern CA. “Had they listened to me six years ago, the LA fires would have never happened.”

A little humor was there in a sadistic way.

Another practical joke - we were sure. All Californians know that there are so many mountain ranges north of the LA area, the water would never come close to where those fire disasters exploded. 

And, of course, politicizing tragedies induced by eight months of exceedingly dry vegetation, low humidity, and fierce Santa Anna winds made no sense. The victims of the southern California burn massacre had as much chance as a coastal town sitting in the path of a tsunami. None. A thousand extra fire hydrants and ten more reservoirs would have made no difference to a blaze that traveled five football fields per minute.

At this point, the comedian’s sense of humor was not appreciated.   

But then again, some folks had a weird sense of humor.

When the entertainer stated, “Next I will sign an executive order to ban paper straws,” a smile appeared on our faces. Yes, we understand that the straws don’t work perfectly, but the world tossed anywhere from 170 million to 390 million plastic straws in a single day, a whole lot of plastic for waste management to deal with. After all, plastic is forever! 

When he exclaimed, “I have no better use for my time. What do you want me to do - stand up here and tell you something silly like how I’m going to make the quality of life for every American better? Hello, human kindness!” (Haha)

“In addition to my national, glory, responsibility, and worldly concerns, I do have one special cause I’m thinking about. Washington DC’s Kennedy Center for Performing Arts needs a new chairman and I have found the perfect fit. I’m electing me!”

Annie and I laughed as we realized that no president could keep tabs on the intricate details of such a wonderful theater campus that puts on about 2000 performances in a single year.

A perfect quip for the April day of trying to fool people.

At first, we almost believed the next one because the funny man was so serious when he said, “I will cancel every American climate initiative I can including pulling the plug on the $3 billion EV charging station construction mandate that was introduced by my predecessor, the worst president in the history of our country. What an incredible waste of taxpayer dollars.”

Such an act would be so selfish it made for a good joke. 

The next hoax was so absurd we both rolled our eyes and shook our heads as we giggled. The presidential impersonator looked squarely at the camera and let loose with, “Effectively immediately, I will put all the EPA environmental justice employees on leave and freeze billions in climate grants until I understand what’s going on. Just because they spend their time in low-income and minority communities doesn’t mean those areas have to combat pollution and develop climate resilience.”

We hoped the comedian would pause and burst out with, “April Fools!”

But he held back.

He closed with the topper of his comedy routine when, with eyes half crossed, he blurted out, “Due to the previous administration’s harmful and shortsighted climate policies, I’m declaring a National Energy Emergency for the United States of America. The U.S.A. is running out of oil, gas, and coal. And we have the potential to use our resources to sell to international allies a reliable supply of energy.” The stupidity of such a thought made us howl in the middle of the night.

America has been the world’s largest producer of crude oil for the last seven years and the largest producer of natural gas.

Then everything went dark. I felt a tug on my arm and heard Annie’s voice, “Noah, Noah, wake up. You’re laughing in your sleep.”

Exhausted from a very vivid dream, I had to catch my breath.

“You ok?” she asked.

“No joke. No April Fools,” I said.

“What’s no joke?”

“I dreamed President Climate Denier was joking about his climate action reversal.

For a while there he was on our side.”